“THOSE WERE THE DAZE”

“THOSE WERE THE DAZE”
A HORROR STORY BY CHRIS WERTZ AND ADAM LISCOMBE

INT. DAY. ANY TOWN OF 8 MILLION IN A NORTH AMERICAN COUNTRY NOT NAMED CANADA OR MEXICO.

THE ACTION TAKES PLACE IN A BROADCAST BOOTH AT YOUR RUN OF THE MILL BASEBALL STADIUM FROM THE 70’S.

THE GREY WALLS OF THE MONOLITH ARE HIGHLIGHTED IN MEDICAL-SCRUBS BLUE THE HIGHEST OF WHICH FAILS TO OBSCURE THE URBAN BLIGHT THAT SURROUNDS THE WEALTHY PLAYGROUND WITHIN.

SUZY AND JOHN ARE SPORTSCASTERS OF THE ILK THAT NORMALLY POPULATE THE BOOTH OF A SEQUEL TO A SUCCESSFUL SPORTS FILM. WHEN BOB UECKER REFUSES TO REPRISE HIS ROLE AND DICK BUTKUS IS BUSY, CHARACTERS LIKE THESE USUALLY DRIVE YOUR THUMB TO THE CHANNEL BUTTON ON YOUR REMOTE CONTROL. THEY ARE WRITTEN TO BE FUNNY BUT ONLY ELICIT SHRIEKS WITH THEIR POOR DELIVERY AND THE SHRILL OF THEIR FEIGNED EXCITEMENT.

JOHN
…AND THAT ENDS ANOTHER LACK LUSTER PERFORMANCE BY THE HOME TEAM.

SUZY
THEY JUST DIDN’T HAVE IT ON THE FILED TODAY. IT SEEMS LIKE THEY LACKED SOMETHING.

JOHN
THAT’S RIGHT SUZY. THEY JUST COULD NOT GET THE OLD EVAN ROOTER CRANKING. IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, YOU CAN NOT PREDICT THIS GAME. YOU CAN TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND STILL GET IT WRONG.

SUZY
I KNOW.

JOHN
TAKE THE YANKEES FOR INSTANCE. IT’S THEIR BIRTH RIGHT TO WIN AND THEY JUST HAVEN’T BEEN GETTING IT DONE LATELY. I BET THERE ARE A LOT OF LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS GOING TO BED UNHAPPY TONIGHT.

SUZY
IT WASN’T ALWAYS LIKE THAT THOUGH.

JOHN
THAT’S RIGHT SUZY, THE NINETIES WERE SOMETHING SPECIAL.

SUZY
THREE STRAIGHT CHAMPIONSHIPS!

JOHN
FOUR OUT OF FIVE.

SUZY
PAUL O’NEIL.

JOHN
DAVID JUSTICE.

SUZY
EL DUQUE’.

JOHN AND SUZY
TINO MARTINEZ!

JOHN
THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

MUSIC CUE: THEME TO “ALL IN THE FAMILY”.

JOHN
BOY, THE WAY SCOTT BROSCIUS PLAYED.

SUZY
ALL THE THROWS THAT KNOBLAUCH MADE.

JOHN AND SUZY DUCK.

JOHN
YANKEE FANS, WE HAD IT MADE.

JOHN AND SUZY
THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

SUZY
AT LEAST YOU KNEW THAT WE WOULD WIN.

JOHN
RIVERA’S WARMING IN THE PEN.

JOHN AND SUZY
MR. WE COULD USE A MAN LIKE ROGER CLEMENS AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN.

JOHN
JETER MADE PLAYS AT THE PLATE.

SUZY
DAVID WELLS WAS OVERWEIGHT.

JOHN AND SUZY
GEE THAT RICK LEDEE RAN GREAT. THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

JOHN’S JOWLS SHAKE VIGOROUSLY AND HIS HEAD VACILLATES AS IF HE’S MIXING PAINT IN HIS MOUTH.

JOHN
THEEEEEEEEEEEE DAYS!

SUZI
OH MY.

JOHN
THAT’S RIGHT SUZI.

FADE OUT ON THE SOUND OF A WRECKING BALL HITTING CONCRETE AND CHEERS FROM A CROWD OF ONLOOKERS.

A New Era! Let's Watch Baseball.

It's time to come to terms with the fact that Matt Cassell will be the Pats' QB for a little while until he stinks bad. Then it will be some kid we expect nothing from and get less. Oh happy day! It could be worse, though. Mike Timlin could be our QB. The Sox blew a big opportunity against the Rays this week at the same time that the Anaheim Angels Angels were clinching their division against the 4th place Yankees. Oh, they celebrated and MLB issued commemorative coins. And, while they were at it, MLB issued coins for the Famous Original Rays, the presumptive champs of the AL East, against whom I've bet against at every chance this year and lost. (I am the Mike Timlin of the betting world-all washed up.)

How about some good news? The Yankees are awful and promise to get worse as long as Hanky Panky is in charge. The Sox are all but in the playoffs and have a pretty good history with the Anaheim Angels Angels. Maybe, we don't want 1st place. Yeah, that's it. We don't want it. So, there. And, the 17 time World Champion Celts are right around the corner. The Sox get one more chance to take first against the F.O. Rays next week, so come out in full force.

Check out our weekly newsletter for details on the monthly Harpoon parties we'll be doing. Next Thursday we'll kick off the season with Harpoon Oktoberfest. There will be give-aways and specials galore.

You want the latest Sox info? Check out SawxHeads.

AGAINST THE DOOR HE LEANS AND STARTS A SCENE
AND HIS TEARS FALL AND BURN THE GARDEN GREEN
AND SO CASSELS MADE OF SAND,
FALL IN THE SEA EVENTUALLY
-JH

"Beer Barrel Poker"

I wrote this a few years ago. I thought it might be appropriate to dig it up now.

"You wanna stahp in here for wan mohre?" Ryan's midwestern vowels at this point of the night were longer than his drunken steps as we hit every bar on the way back from Miller Park Wednesday. "What's in here," I asked. "It's Morahns. It's pritty goood."

I okayed like I had a choice. When the sons of Chief Wisconsin set their minds to a-drinkin' There ain't no sort of sense that can stop them. And, because you're their guest you are obliged to one more than the rest.

Moran's was a typical Irish pub with a small gathering at the bar of assorted locals and invading Yankee fans celebrating their great victory over the Milwaukee Brewers with whom they shared the same record. They brimmed with pride because E-Rod the Great had hit his 400th HR in pin stripes. The two factions associated with the requisite politesse that Colonel Hogan showed Sergeant Schultz in Stalag 13. I entered and my Red Sox jersey stopped all conversation. The Brewer faithful saw me as a liberator: the Simon Bolivahh of the baseball world. But, I was just a humble servant on a mission from Gahd.

I surveyed the scene and approached the nearest gaggle unfettered. "Oh Christ! What are you doing here?" Some guy probably named Vinny cleverly quipped. "I was invited," I said. the first volley missed, or better yet, was deflected by inebriety. Subtle Street was not the route to get to these guys. A couple of local brew-bibers that resembled Rob Deer stood forward to defend the enemy of their enemy. "Can you believe awl of the Yankees fans here? Oh." He asked me with a sarcastic stretch at the "Y" in Yankees. "You're mistaken," I began, "that symbol on their hats isn't for the Yankees." I paused. The MFY turned a collective ear; they belched, and waited. "That's the Chinese character for fourth place." Bullseye! Heads hung and the retreat was sounded.

I threw my arms up and said "thank you."

"Ryan, let's go."
"Why? Let's have wan drink."
"I don't think it's a good idea." I looked around the bar. "Besides, my work here is finished."
"You're right. Let's goh, oh."

We staggered away with a small victory, somewhat saddened for picking on such easy prey. But, that's why I'm here.