“THOSE WERE THE DAZE”

“THOSE WERE THE DAZE”
A HORROR STORY BY CHRIS WERTZ AND ADAM LISCOMBE

INT. DAY. ANY TOWN OF 8 MILLION IN A NORTH AMERICAN COUNTRY NOT NAMED CANADA OR MEXICO.

THE ACTION TAKES PLACE IN A BROADCAST BOOTH AT YOUR RUN OF THE MILL BASEBALL STADIUM FROM THE 70’S.

THE GREY WALLS OF THE MONOLITH ARE HIGHLIGHTED IN MEDICAL-SCRUBS BLUE THE HIGHEST OF WHICH FAILS TO OBSCURE THE URBAN BLIGHT THAT SURROUNDS THE WEALTHY PLAYGROUND WITHIN.

SUZY AND JOHN ARE SPORTSCASTERS OF THE ILK THAT NORMALLY POPULATE THE BOOTH OF A SEQUEL TO A SUCCESSFUL SPORTS FILM. WHEN BOB UECKER REFUSES TO REPRISE HIS ROLE AND DICK BUTKUS IS BUSY, CHARACTERS LIKE THESE USUALLY DRIVE YOUR THUMB TO THE CHANNEL BUTTON ON YOUR REMOTE CONTROL. THEY ARE WRITTEN TO BE FUNNY BUT ONLY ELICIT SHRIEKS WITH THEIR POOR DELIVERY AND THE SHRILL OF THEIR FEIGNED EXCITEMENT.

JOHN
…AND THAT ENDS ANOTHER LACK LUSTER PERFORMANCE BY THE HOME TEAM.

SUZY
THEY JUST DIDN’T HAVE IT ON THE FILED TODAY. IT SEEMS LIKE THEY LACKED SOMETHING.

JOHN
THAT’S RIGHT SUZY. THEY JUST COULD NOT GET THE OLD EVAN ROOTER CRANKING. IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, YOU CAN NOT PREDICT THIS GAME. YOU CAN TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND STILL GET IT WRONG.

SUZY
I KNOW.

JOHN
TAKE THE YANKEES FOR INSTANCE. IT’S THEIR BIRTH RIGHT TO WIN AND THEY JUST HAVEN’T BEEN GETTING IT DONE LATELY. I BET THERE ARE A LOT OF LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS GOING TO BED UNHAPPY TONIGHT.

SUZY
IT WASN’T ALWAYS LIKE THAT THOUGH.

JOHN
THAT’S RIGHT SUZY, THE NINETIES WERE SOMETHING SPECIAL.

SUZY
THREE STRAIGHT CHAMPIONSHIPS!

JOHN
FOUR OUT OF FIVE.

SUZY
PAUL O’NEIL.

JOHN
DAVID JUSTICE.

SUZY
EL DUQUE’.

JOHN AND SUZY
TINO MARTINEZ!

JOHN
THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

MUSIC CUE: THEME TO “ALL IN THE FAMILY”.

JOHN
BOY, THE WAY SCOTT BROSCIUS PLAYED.

SUZY
ALL THE THROWS THAT KNOBLAUCH MADE.

JOHN AND SUZY DUCK.

JOHN
YANKEE FANS, WE HAD IT MADE.

JOHN AND SUZY
THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

SUZY
AT LEAST YOU KNEW THAT WE WOULD WIN.

JOHN
RIVERA’S WARMING IN THE PEN.

JOHN AND SUZY
MR. WE COULD USE A MAN LIKE ROGER CLEMENS AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN.

JOHN
JETER MADE PLAYS AT THE PLATE.

SUZY
DAVID WELLS WAS OVERWEIGHT.

JOHN AND SUZY
GEE THAT RICK LEDEE RAN GREAT. THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

JOHN’S JOWLS SHAKE VIGOROUSLY AND HIS HEAD VACILLATES AS IF HE’S MIXING PAINT IN HIS MOUTH.

JOHN
THEEEEEEEEEEEE DAYS!

SUZI
OH MY.

JOHN
THAT’S RIGHT SUZI.

FADE OUT ON THE SOUND OF A WRECKING BALL HITTING CONCRETE AND CHEERS FROM A CROWD OF ONLOOKERS.