Desperate Diaspora ep. I

INT. PROFESSOR THOM'S, EAST VILLAGE NYC, NIGHT

There have been violent doings from Boston to New York and the population is worried, scared. Professor Thom's has become something of a fall-out shelter for New York's finest citizens: Red Sox fans.
Jim and Chris attempt to calm the crowd.

JIM
Alright everybody just calm down a bit. We want to see who's here.

CHRIS
That's right. When I say the name of your group, somebody say "Hehya". BLOHARDS?

BLOHARD
Heaya.

CHRIS
New York City Red Sox Meet-up Group of New York City?

NYCRSMUGONYC
Heeeah.

CHRIS
Fitzy?

FITZY
F'n right I'm f'n heah you hump. Missing this would be like Tony Franklin missing a field goal with his baeh foot wrapped in a-

JIM
Fitzy! Just say "heeeeah".

FITZY
Heea.

CHRIS
Thank you. Assorted Thom's regulars?

JIM
That's what she said.

CHRIS
Huh?

THOM'S REGULARS
Heeya.

CHRIS
Well, that's everybody.

JIM
Who ah those guys in the coarner? They look scahd.

CHRIS
Those are refuges from the Riviera Café. They were the last ones to get out. They say they just followed the crowd. I think they’re a little intimidated by the friendly service and all of the TVs. Maybe we should shut a few off.

JIM
I’ll send Michael over to make them feel bettah.

CHRIS
Michael? You mean Big Giant Pez? Christ, he just had three bowls of chili!

JIM
Well, what are we going to do?

CHRIS
Buy some air-freshener?

JIM
No, I mean about the Red Sawx. Some of these people don’t look good.

CHRIS
Some of these people never looked good.

JIM
You know what I mean. We gat to make them feel better.

CHRIS
We could have Michael kiss their hands and recite his Gregorian chant: “Yankees Suck”.

JIM
They have enough problems.

CHRIS
Well, I think the BLOHARDS are alright. They’re sitting at their booth reciting lines from “Mr. Baseball”.

JIM
Magnum?

CHRIS
Yeah, and I put a keg at the table of NYCRSMUGONYC. So, they should be fine for about 8 or 9 minutes.

JIM
We should put a urinal there too.

CHRIS
Good idea. And, I told the Thom’s regulars that they could save seats today and today only.

JIM
That was nice of you.

FITZY
Dude? I’m worried about those Riviera refugees. They look like “Long-Ball” Shiraldi giving up his second double; they look like Drew Bledsoe being introduced to Moe Lewis; they look like Dee Brown getting a friendly escort to the pavement by the Wellesley police; they-

CHRIS
I get it Fitzy. I’ll say something.

FITZY
F’in eh. You-

JIM
FITZY!

CHRIS
Can I have your attention please? BLOHARDS, could you please stop playing Strat-o-matic for a second? Thank you. These are desperate times for we loyal American-

GARETH
Crtndnnhlc Rdplccnk!

CHRIS
Sorry Gareth, Welsh Sox fans too. But, we’ve been down this road before. Remember three games to none?

A roar is bellowed throughout the bar. Big Giant Pez wakes up startled, confused.

BGP
F the Riviera!

CHRIS
That’s right Michael. Like I was saying, we’ve been here before. We know what it’s like to worry. But, that’s no reason to stop coming to the bar. You know you’re going to drink anyway. Why do it at home?

RIVIERA REFUGEE
Is that NESN?

AUDIO The opening instrumental of “Dream On” by Aerosmith begins playing in the background.

CHRIS
Look, there’s so much going on at Thom’s. We have Clamapalooza IV coming up. We have Ka(y)reoke and film screenings. We're shooting a Red Sox documentary here Tuesday. We even have the Boston Teabag Party with Fitzy. Not a word Fitzy! The point is that we’re all family. We all have a common cause. We are all part of the great Diaspora of exiles camped behind enemy lines fighting for the common good. So what if we get swept by the Royals-

JIM
Actually, that’s what stahted all of the trouble last yeah: getting swept by the Royals.

FITZY
F’n eh! Kansas F’in City treated us like Jeremy Jacobs treats Bruins fans.

GARETH
Grbldcclmm cldhrsrm!

The crowd grows unruly. Gareth invocation was just enough to put them over the top. The bar is on the verge of mayhem though not a drop of beer is spilled. The Johnny Damon bobblehead on the shelf seems to be smiling.

CHRIS
We gotta do something. We’re losing them. How about “Sweet Caroline”?

JIM
I’ll put on the 2004 dvd again. Tell them it’s live.

CHRIS
Ok. Good idea. It’s like bourbon on a pacifier. Folks, the game’s stahting…

FADE TO RED.

AUDIO "Foulke to the set, the 1-0 pitch, here it is, swing and a ground ball stabbed by Foulke, he has it, he underhands to first…"

“Dirty Water” plays and all is right, for now.

FADE TO BLACK.