Thursday, December 13, 2007

I Want a New Drug

We did not want to take such drastic measures but you forced our hand. Mandatory testing will begin at Thom's immediately. Before you are allowed to pay your bill you will be tested for sobriety. If any trace of sobriety is found in your system you will be asked to stay and poured another drink. The reputation of the bar is at stake! I also have to state that this will not be a urine test, so please stop doing that at the bar. (You know who you are.)

The field sobriety test that will consist of naming Roger Klemens' kids, spelling "Mientkiewicz", and doing a Jim impression. The names of those found to be sober will be released in these pages.

In case you haven't heard, MLB's study of steroid use in baseball dubbed "The Mitchell Report" comes out today. Many doubt the integrity of the report due to the fact that George Mitchell is involved with the Red Sox and reportedly there are many Yankees on the list: Clemens, Pettitte, Giambi. But, according to a "leaked" list of players on WNBC several former and current Sox will be listed: Varitek, Trot Nixon, Jose' Offerman, Mo Vaughn, Rich Garces, and Nomar. We won't know if this list is at all accurate until the real report is released at 2pm today. Rich "El Guapo" Garces (pictured above) is the only accused player who began taking steroids after his baseball career. MLB is claiming that his list has errors.

But, there are no errors in the fact that we've extended our Celtics "Big Three Special". Celtics fans will get $3 Thom's Ale through the end of the season. Wow! That's like a good deal on steroids.

Don't forget to be at Thom's this Saturday at 7 pm to celebrate our 2nd anniversary. As a token of appreciation we're going to have a 2 hour open bar. Warning: this will not be a sobering experience.

And finally, to all you Boston fans that think you got it so good, this guy is here to keep you in check.

When the door came crashing down
And billy turned around
He felt the heart and soul inside him fall
He stood face to face
With the long arm of the law
You cant out run the long arm of the law
No, you cant out run the long arm of the law
You can hide out for a while
He says with a smile
But you cant out run the long arm of the law
-K. Rogers

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...If You Ain't Got That Ring.