Olde Tyme Hockey

Do you know how lucky you are?  Well, do you?  Every few months you get to prepare for some playoffs somewhere.  Right now, you’re getting ready for two. 

Tonight at 7 pm the Broons open up their annual post-season exhibition with the Montreal Canadiens.  These teams do not like each other. Repeat.  They do not like each other.  You want old time hockey?  Well, they’re putting on the foil right this very second.  Chara took some HGH last night and now stands 7 feet 16 inches. Lucic kicked puppies all the way home from the gym.  And Tim Thomas (He’s the goalie) caught 16 shells from a 30-06 in his teeth at the Boy Scouts gun range in Mattapan. Yeah, they’re ready.  They had better be because them Canadiens are tough (This one you want to click. Go to 3:30).

And we’re ready too. Harpoon is coming in to give away some of their new UFO Wit. I know. The irony of having anything named “wit” near a hockey game is laughable, but hey, it’s gold. And the Bruins wear gold and it’s a beer and so is a bruin. So, ahm- Oops, I actually just checked and it’s named UFO White. That’s more appropriate for hockey.  All the rest of the Harpoons will be on special too.  See you tonight.

Then Saturday at 12:30 pm it’s the Celts defending their title against the Bulls.  Michael Jordan is not walking through that door. And neither is Kevin Garnett.  Doc Rivers intimated today that Garnett might miss the entire playoffs.  I smell a conspiracy. Does the league want LeBron to win a title so bad that they would go all Tonya Harding on us?  The answer is yes.  That’s alright. We have them right where we want them.  Big Baby has been training just for this moment.  (gulp.) Go Sox!

More Thom’s Foolery

Looking for a home in the tony suburbs surrounding Traverse City Michigan?  Of course you are.  Well, I got the guy for you: Realtor Goes Deep.  While you’re up there try the cherry salsa.

And finally, are you a real fan?  Well, are you punk?  Have you ever done this?  Me neither.  So the next time you got a gripe, don’t complain to your bartender. Go straight to the top.

 

Saw an eyeball peepin'
Through a smoky cloud behind the green door
When I said "Joe sent me"
Someone laughed out loud behind the green door
All I want to do is join the happy crowd behind the green door

-Jim Lowe

Thrivalry Thursday

What a day for a day game…Now I’m lost in a day game…

It’s Thrivalry Thursday. The Sox have a matinee today against the Devil Rays. And, since none of you are working due to the holiday you should be at Thom’s. Happy hour starts when the doors open at 12. So, by game time at 1:35 you can be sufficiently pickled for Passover. Why not. We have rivalries all over the place today.

Everyone knows the Devil Rays have replaced the Yankees as the Sox chief rival, so the Yankees needed a new one. In walked the Orioles. Perfect! Think about it: The Yankees originally played in Baltimore moving to New York in 19aught3. Ruth was born in Baltimore and played for the Orioles. How’s that for a curse. More? Jeffrey Maier. What about the boy who grew up in Baltimore a “Yankee fan”: Mark “The Mole” Teixeiraii. The only decent Yankees broadcaster, Ken Singleton, is in the Orioles Hall of Fame. And, “The Wire” is better than “NYPD Blue”. (Why the hell does tough New York cop Sipowicz speak with a Chicago accent?) So there it is, a new rivalry. And, they play today at 1:35. Have a blast.

Meanwhile, Thrivalry Thursday picks up again at 7 pm with the Bruins taking on the Habs. Then at 8:30 it’s the battle of states with gay marriage when BU takes on Vermont in the Frozen Four.

Don’t forget that tickets to Luis Tiant’s film "“The Lost Son of Havana” are on sale now.

And you can be sure that if you're feeling right
A daydream will last long into the night
Tomorrow at breakfast you may pick up your ears
Or you may be daydreaming for a thousand years

-John Sebastian

Opening Day and Tiant at Thom’s

Lou-ie! Lou-ie! Lou-ie! El Tiante pitched the first time I went to a Sox game. I don’t remember a single out, but my mother told me I was screaming his name in the bleachers along with 30-some-odd-thousand others that fall.

Like now, the Sox were hot then. They had some of the most popular players in baseball in Fisk, Rice, Lynn, the Spaceman, Yaz, Dewey, Rico, Tony C, Dick Pole, and Tiant. Their ‘75 series against the Big Red Machine is often credited with saving baseball. But, among all of the great moments for the Sox in ‘75 the best was probably when Luis Tiant’s parents were allowed to visit Boston from Cuba to watch for the first time their son pitch professionally.

This April 23rd you’ll learn the full story of that trip and more when the Tribeca Film Festival premieres “The Lost Son of Havana”, a story that follows Tiant’s return to Cuba after almost 50 years.

Tickets go on sale April 7th to Amex customers and April 14th to the public. We’ll be doing a pre-film happy hour at the bar and walking over to the theatre (11th street) together. Tiant will be at the premiere, along with other Sox and celebs. More info to come.

And speaking of Boston baseball, the Sox are in town this weekend to take on the Mets at Citi Field. If you’re going to the games let us know. There’s some rain in the forecast, but don’t worry about the field. Citibank has asked the government for more Tarp money.

Opening Day is Monday. There will be plenty of specials at Thom’s for the 2 pm game against the Rays. Check out our clam rolls and chowder and Harpoon specials.

Louie Louie, oh no
Me gotta go
Aye-yi-yi-yi, I said
Louie Louie, oh baby
Me gotta go

-Richard Berry

Love For Sale

In honor of the retirement of Curt Schilling may we present to you some curt shilling. Yes, as Randolf Duke was wont to say in desperate times, "Sell! Sell! Sell!" You may not know it but, Professor Thom's breeds talent. Today we'll feature items produced by Thom's regulars, or "Thommies" as they love to be called. And, before you say it, I know what you're thinking: "You're just trying to peddle junk that was left at the bar. no. There will be no right shoe of Mr. Murphy and there will be no dispensed tobacco from the Big Giant Pez. These items, ladies and gentleman, are prime quality, the genuine article. So, without further ado, the first item up on the block is:

"The Rocket That Fell to Earth: Roger Clemens and the Rage for Baseball Immortality", this touching story is sure to tickle the fancy of even the most discerning baseball fan. How about a gift for Passover?Because we all know that Clemens is sure to get passed over for the Hall of Fame many times. What? Jeff Pearlman isn't a Thommy? 'Maybe so. But, there were some Thom's regulars interviewed for this book.

Up next Tim Shea's "Fenway!: "The Ultimate Fan's Guide, 2009 Edition". It's the best resource out there for every one's favorite ballpark. "Wait a minute he's never been to Thom's either." Alright already. get off my back. He will be there May 5 signing copies of his book. OK?

Here's a twofer for ya: "I Like Jersey Best", performed by Jazz great and Thom's habitue John Pizzarelli and written by your very own Comptroller of Kickbacks (indicted) Joe Cosgriff. It's under a buck! Do not miss this opportunity. (Also available on itunes.)

More music? Do you want to rock out with your sox out? Check out the new record by Thom's regulars Control Mouse.

And lastly, a shill for someone who has never technically "been" to Thom's. However, his name is often heard. You may now pre-order the lovely "A-Rod: The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez" by Selena Roberts. It's the heart-wrenching story about one man's struggle against himself.

Didn't find what you're looking for? Well check out the entire stock here: Entire stock click place.

Love for sale,
Appetising young love for sale.
Love that's fresh and still unspoiled,
Love that's only slightly soiled,
Love for sale.
Who will buy?
Who would like to sample my supply?
Who's prepared to pay the price,
For a trip to paradise?
Love for sale
-Cole Porter

Brackets and Squares

Ok, so my McBeth jokes last week didn’t fly. Or, maybe they just flew a tad too high-well over everyone’s heads save a certain Portuguese hand maiden. Than again, maybe no one's reading. Either way, this week I’ll just stick to straight reportage a la the Paul Lynde School.

Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, they're the ones who just go "a doodle doo!"

Celts won last night. Yay. Paul Pierce took over in the fourth and OT in a game versus Miami that lacked Duane Wade, Leon Powe, Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, and [gasp] The King of Sol’s favorite, Brian Salabrine.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?
Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.

The WBC [Oops. Wrong link.] has been taking it’s toll on Sox players. First Dusty got banged up and then Youk had to leave the team with a sore ankle. Unfortunately, Japan beat Cuba last night to stave off elimination. That means Dice-K will pitch again. But, the good news is Youk and Dusty will be playing soon.

Peter Marshall: True or false, each generation of Americans has been about an inch taller than the previous generation...
Paul Lynde: That makes Robert Conrad an antique!

Tonight is the night you’ve all been waiting for. Yes, it’s here: the Third Thursday Harpoon event. We will be pouring Leviathan Quad tonight and our other Harpoon’s on special. Plus, some give-aways.

Peter Marshall: Paul, for a thousand dollars and a tie game, according to psychologists, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.

Ok, enough beating around the bush. The NCAA tourney kicked off a little while ago. We will be showing every game at the bar. So, come in. Park for a few hours. And, soak up the specials.

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.

-Hollywood Squares

Sox/Yanks: A Prologue

Are you tired of waiting?  Well, it’s here.  It’s the prequel I like to call Red Sox/Yankees and it’s premiering tonight at Thom’s at 7pm.

That’s right, rivalry theatre is back.  Get the boo-birds out for Cody Ransom and Brett Gardner. Get behind stalwarts Jeff Baily and P McAnulty.  And, witness tragedy unfold when pitcher M McBeth gets sent to the minors because of what he calls a disputed call: "Fair is foul, and foul is fair".

When questioned as to which hit did him in, McBeth blamed the two-bagger: "Double, double toil and trouble!''  Alas, "what's done is done". 

There will be many leaving the Sox troupe soon.  But, the most important news is the two players that are joining it.  After leading their team to ignominious losses to the likes of Italy and the Netherlands David Ortiz and Jason Bay are back in Sox camp where they belong.

However, there will be one actor conspicuously absent from this here stage.  I'll give you a hint who it is:  His name begins with “A” and ends with “McBluelips”.  Any guesses? Anyone.  Alright, you can stop the emails now. In honor of his honor’s absence in which he was draining an abscess we’ve decided to make sure his presence is felt at the bar.  No, there will not be Madonna music (though that was fun last year).  There will be available a bunch of Tic Tacs on the bar for everyone to enjoy. Just please don’t throw them at each other.  You know who you are.  Every time the MFY bat a third baseman, make some noise.

What else?

We are less than one week away from our Harpoon Quad event on Thursday, March 19.   Join Sawxheads.  Check out the twins again. Follow me on Twitter.  Don’t forget to join Thom’s free college bracket here.

Ode to the Minor Leaguer

“Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing”

-Josh Bard

Go Twins

It wasn’t my fault. I swear. It wasn’t. O.K. Maybe I did sort of root for the twins last night. But, it wasn’t those Twins. I didn’t realize it would affect the game. Whatever you do, do not blame my girls; obviously, they were rooting for the Sox.

It was the first baseball of the spring and, oh did we stick it to BC. Take that Eagles. First your basketball team loses to Harvard and now your baseball team loses to guys named Natale and Corsaletti (Weren’t those the two anarchists that offed a payclerk in Braintree?). [click for a little injustice atmosphere.]

And now for a bit more injustice: Later in the Mayor’s Cup or Mayor’s Ball or the game that they play every year against the Twins at the beginning of Spring the Sox saw their early wining streak end. MVP Pedroia picked up where he left off doing good stuff (that’s pretty much the level of analysis this early in the spring. That, and Sacco and/or Vanzetti jokes.) Ueber-prospect and all-around great public park Lars Anderson didn’t do good stuff. But, friend of the BLOHARDS, Yankee-killer, nominee for the Crash Davis Award, and all-around nice guy, Jeff Bailey, just after hearing Sean McAdams pronounce, “Er-ah, I’m not sure what room the Sox have for Jeff after signing Bad Wilkkkkkkkkerson,” hit a rbi single. Good for you Jeff. I think he was inspired by Daubach in the booth.

50 more years for Fenway? That’s according to the Trio sans Theo yesterday.

“We’re very adamant. I can’t imagine replicating what we have in Fenway Park,” Henry said. “There are a lot of elements that have gone into our record-breaking sellout streak, but I think Fenway may be the biggest one of them all.”

The Celts finally hit a wall on their West Coast swing without Garnett: namely L.A. (Clippers). Everyone knows the Boston/L.A. match-up is always tough. And, I think the Celts did admirably only losing by 2 on the road without their raison du jeu Kevin Garnett. Any doubters, though, need not fear. 22 time all-star and former Georgia Tech player (he majored in Team Chemistry) Stephon Marbury may soon be coming to the Garden. Forget banner 18. I’m thinking about 19 and 20.

Oh yeah. What’s going om at Thom’s? We got some of the spring training games. We should even have some Sox legends coming by early in the season.

BTW, thank you to everyone for all of the gifts and well-wishes. A big, fat, thanks to whoever gave us that economy-sized box of Yankees diapers. The girls are really going through them fast. Now, if I could just get a potty shaped like Yankee Stadium…

You remember that rainy evenin'

I threw you out....with nothin' but a fine tooth comb

Ya, I know I'm to blame, now... ain't it a shame

Jeff Bailey, won't you please come home
- Hughie Cannon

The Can Can

If you're like me you're thinking, "Sure the Sox have Beckett, and Lester, and Dice K at the top of their rotation.  And they picked up Penny and Smoltz.  Plus, there are always those wunderkinds Buchholz and Masterson waiting in the wings. And, the workhorse, old reliable Timmy is back ready to throw 300 innings.  But, what about excitement?"  Where is the man with 12 arm deliveries that can occasionally baffle hitters?  Is there a pitcher on this staff that can put down beers as fast as he can throw strikes?  Because the ‘Can can.  That's right. The Canman is back and just wants a chance.  And why not?  He's not even 50 years old. 

I remember being about three people from the field on the first base side when Oilcan pitched the Sox to the division clincher in 1986 against the Toronto Blue Jays.  Before the ninth inning started we climbed down from the grandstand to get a better leap onto the field and celebrate. But, at the top of the frame police horses trotted out lining the stands and preventing and chance of reaching the field.  The ‘Can pitched. A flyball hovered above first base, and sure-handed Bill Buckner parked under it for the third out and and a guaranteed trip to the playoffs. 

Those were halcyon years to be sure and they're back!  Last Thursday a new edition of New Edition dusted off its hits for the Nokia theatre here in New York-for some reason Johnny Gill didn't play "My, my, my."  Thank God I didn't go.  And, tonight Reputa the Beauta is back in Boston when J. Geils takes the stage at the new House of Blues.  Woohoo! 

What's my point?  Do I want to return to these days of wayward afternoons and Mr. Telephone man?  To pegging my pants and shopping at Tello's? To flunking off of nearly every sports team my high school had?  To half-heartedly rooting for Roger Clemens? No, I guess I was just young and stupid.

Tonight Harpoon will be at the bar pouring their new Catamount Maple Wheat.  Stick around after the event for Celts game at Utah.

The Sox

Pitchers and catchers have duly reported and we are less than a week away from the first spring training game.  We will show at Thom’s every game they let us.

You got me saying
My, My, My
My, My, My
You sure look good tonight
And your so damn fine

-Johnny Gill

The Wrath of Rondo

As that great sage of morrowyear Khan Noonien Singh once said, "Revenge is a dish best served cold." Well, it's freezing in Boston and here come the Lakers.  Apparently one of the Lakers' players set a scoring record in New York this week, but, I'm having trouble finding any mention of it anywhere. So, let's just assume, to be safe, that it was Sasha Vujacic-he of silken hair. Well, I'm sure Ray Allen has another bowl of cold chowder waiting for him. I think tonight we will ring the bell every time Sasha cries. All right, maybe I'm obsessing over the Lakers. But, the Celts were playing just fine until they ran into the Lakers on Christmas. After that they lost a pitiful 7 of nine. I don't want to see another winning streak interrupted by another losing streak. And I'm not alone.  Even Coach Rivers is a bit worried, "I could care less about the Lakers," said coach Doc Rivers. "We play them twice a year." Did you notice he didn't say "couldn't care less"? A-ha! So the Celts care and you should to. The game starts at 8 p.m. Come out tonight for a huge game and $4 Thom's and Spaceman Ale. And speaking of the Spaceman: The deft lefty was spotted at Fantasy Camp in Florida this week by a few Thommies. When this bar was brought up he said, "Those guys email me like everyday." Yes. Yes we do.   Hockey News Your first place by a mile Boston Bruins take on the Ottawa Senators tonight at 7 p.m..  And, since the word "Senator" has come to symbolize corruption lately you might say that your Bruins are taking on Corruption tonight. Good For You Bruins.  Seriously, if you haven't seen the Bruins play yet this year you have to.  Come see their passing and defense and all around high energy game first hand.  And speaking of hockey...   The Bean Pot In a  stunning turn of events the Huskies of Northeastern annihilated the BC Eagles in round 1 of the Bean Pot Monday. Next Monday NE faces perennial champions BU who barely squeaked by Harvard in the first round.  Hey! Gotta gotta pay back!! (The big payback) Revenge!! I'm mad (the big payback) Got to get back! Need some get back!! Pay Back! (the big payback) There it tis!! Payback!!! Revenge!!! I'm mad!!   -James Brown

Harpoon Event Tonight.

Big goings on in Thom’s sports world.

First off, the Celts are back! Sorta. After a miserable stretch that began Christmas in L.A. the Celts restored their confidence by beating some middling teams and then blew out Phoenix and Miami all the while quietly putting together a tidy 6 game winning streak. How do they celebrate this apparent return to form? They are going to Disneyworld to take on the top ranked team in the NBA, the Orlando Magic. A victory tonight would put the Celts right back on top of the rankings; they’re going to need some help though.

So, the nice people at Harpoon have brought us another barrel of their Leviathan Imperial IPA. This super-beer should have enough hops to help us help the Celts out leap even NBA’s superman. Also, on tap tonight for our “Third Thursday” party-we highlight a different Harpoon special the third Thursday of every month-is the UFO, Winter Warmer, Rauchfetzen (smoke beer), and Thom’s Ale. All of them will be on special for the game.

Goodbye

In a bit of sad news, one of our own has left us. David Aaaaardsma, ranked number one in the Baseball Encyclopedia, was traded yesterday to the Mariners for minor league pitcher Fabian Williamson . Growing up in Colorado it was Aardsma’s dream to some day play for his favorite team, the Red Sox. His Boston reared grandmother as a girl used to operate the scoreboard at Fenway Park with her twin sister. The Aardsma clan (pictured) came by Thom’s last Summer to watch a game and have a few drinks. They were even nice enough to send us some autographed stuff for a fund raiser. Good luck guys.

Hello

And now on to a man that needs no more luck from us: Jim Ed Rice. A big fat “congrats” goes to Jim Rice who on his last try was selected to be enshrined in the National Baseball Hall of Fame. The most feared hitter of his day will have a day of his own on July 26 in Cooperstown, New York. Your Governor is planning on going and he’s trying to set up some fun events like a tour of the Ommegang Brewery, and guided tours of the Hall of Fame, and maybe even a wiffleball game or two. Drop me a line with any questions. If you are planning a trip to the Hall this summer, plan it now.

Remember my name.

Fame.

I'm gonna live forever. I'm gonna learn how to fly.

High.

I feel it coming together. People will see me and cry.

Fame.

I'm gonna make it to heaven. Light up the sky like a flame.

Fame.

I'm gonna live forever. Baby remember my name.

-Dean Pitchford

Huge Game for the Green

To tell you the God’s honest truth I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the BCS National Championship. Wait a minute. Is it “could give a rat’s ass”? Anyway, I could care less who won last night or could I? Damn it! No coffee, no brain. What I do care about is that two teams I grew up very close to are moving in opposite directions: the Celtics and the Harvard Crimson.

The much vaunted division III Crimson defeated the #17 ranked BC Eagles this week and thus rioted by parking a car in Harvard yard. Those crazy kids. But, do not think gloating is beneath the Crimson. Their website reads: “Lin Dominates, Harvard Stuns No. 17 Boston College.” Dominates! Take that Eagles. I would quote some more of the article but it’s 54 pages long and deals with the geo-political effects of the victory on somewho called Keynesian economics. Blah. Blah. Blah. The two Crimson fans in attendance for the game and were not treated well.

Meanwhile, doing their best BC impression your Boston Celtics have been shitting the proverbial bed lately. (Can I say that?) Their uninspired play has turned them from talk of the “greatest team ever” to three straight losses including an ignominious (I got that word from the Harvard article) one against the Knicks. Now, we know they’ll turn it around; they’re too good to play like this. But, it might take a boot in the ass from Fitzy to get them going.

Tonight at 8 p.m. they have a chance to erase all that has happened since a road loss to the Lakers. The Green travel to Cleveland to take on crab-dribbling LeBrOn JaMes and his Cavaliers. The winner of this game will undoubtedly be considered the best in the NBA and the favorite for the championship unless the Celtics lose. In which case it just won’t matter.

Hot Stove

The Red Sox have signed a few players thus far who will be auditioning for catcher. Mark Kotsay said, “They gave me a mill and-a-half and asked if I could catch. I can catch. I have a glove. I can catch.” Another candidate could be John Smoltz who was found scratching his head at Sammy White’s bowling alley. A professional caliber bowler in the 10-pin game Smoltz was only able to muster an 89 in candlepin and missed the red twice. Don Gillis rolled over in his grave and my 9 year-old niece could be seen in the next lane in hysterics.

The Sox also signed Rhode Island’s own Rocco Baldelli opting to give him number 5. Reporters were able to track done a few of Rocco's neighbors from Cumberland at the New York System hot dog joint in Woonsocket. Rocco's high school math teacher said, "He was a good kid, always took part in class, always had his book." Dennis McHugh who grew up on the same block added, "He was a real good kid. Definitely. Always stayed out of trouble and stuff." His God-father Claude Roy elecuted, "He was alright, I guess-no, just kidding. He was a good kid. He always helped his mother with the garbage and stuff. He loved cabinets and clamcakes."

So go ahead, put us down

One of these days we'll turn it around

Won't be long mark my word

Time has come for revenge of the nerds

-Rubinoos

Blondie in Concert for Charity

Deborah Harry (of Blondie fame) will perform in concert at the Institute for Collaborative Education (ICE), a public middle school/high school in the old Stuyvesant High School building. She’s doing a fundraiser for the school, which is dealing with Dept of Ed budget cuts.



When: Thursday, January 22 at 7 PM
Where: 345 E. 15 Street (off 1st Avenue)
Who: Deborah Harry performing with members of the Jazz Passengers and ICE student musicians

Tickets: $25 at the door, $20 if you purchase on the school’s Web site: http://www.iceschool.net/home.aspx

The Mission Statement

Boston Celtics General Manager Danny Ainge draped in a new Christmas bathrobe looked down at the Homer Simpson slippers his wife had given him and just laughed "D'oh!" Even the Celtics' loss to their longtime foe the Lakers could not get him down on Christmas Day. So what if Rondo who could be brilliant at 4 game clips, could also occasionally drag the team down with early foul trouble and over enthusiastic play. He just needed to find an experienced back up guard that could give some quality minutes down the stretch when Rondo struggled.

Whenever he found himself taking a loss extra hard he looked for affirmation to a letter from Red Auerbach he had framed on his living room wall that read, "Hey, I don't have all the answers. In life, to be honest, I have failed as much as I have succeeded. But I love my life. I love my wife. And I wish you my kind of success." "Aw, Red. I miss you buddy," he whispered to himself and reached for the remote control.

It was about 11 pm and TBS holiday programming included the family favorite "Jerry Maguire". "Serendipity, do-dar-day!" He winked outside at the inflatable snowman in a snowglobe that lit up his Belmont home's lawn and reclined to his favorite sports movie.

Then it hit him: "Show me the money. That's it! Stephon Marbury." Ainge picked up the phone and dialed.

"Steph? It's Danny. How's your head?" Marbury paused shocked for a second. Had his daily ritual of staring at the phone for 15 minutes every 15 minutes finally worked in getting an NBA GM to call him? He answered Ainge's strange query, "Bubblicious."
Ainge continued, "Steph, I want you to play for the Celtics."
"That's what I'm talking about! Starting point guard for the champions! The Starman is back!"
"No, no Steph. I want you to be the back-up point guard."
"Danny, I got a shelf life of ten years, tops. My next contract's gotta bring me the dollars that'll last me and mine a long time. Shit, I'm out of this sport in 5 years. What's my family gonna live on? Huh?"
"Steph, think about back when you were a little kid. It wasn't about the money, was it? Was it?"

Marbury moved the receiver away from his face and stared at it. His iphone skin was a gold-plated one hundred dollar bill. He blinked and told Ainge, "You are hanging on by a very thin thread Danny, and I dig that about you!"

Beginning to feel fed up, Ainge laid into his would be ersatz pointguard, "When you get on the court, it's all about what you didn't get, who's to blame, who underthrew the pass, who's got the contracts you don't, who's not giving you love. That is not what inspires people. That is not what inspires people! Shut up, play the game! Play it from the heart."

Danny finally felt like he was getting through. Steph answered quizzically, "You tell me to eat lima beans, I'll eat lima beans." "Lima beans?" Ainge muttered to himself. "Yuck!" He turned his attention back to Marbury and calmly said, "Help me...help you. Help me, help you-"

Before he could finish, the pride of Coney Island had cut him off, "Shut up, just shut up Danny. You had me at hello."

"You scared me! Don't do that again...ever! Ever, ever, ever!! Okay?" Ainge exhaled, and winked again at his snowman in a snowglobe on the lawn of his Belmont home.

And so a match made in heaven was born- a Christmas miracle, if you will. Danny hung up his snoopy phone and giggled to himself when out of the corner of his eye he noticed one last unopened present under the tree. It was a card wrapped in a golden envelope. "Where did that come from?" Danny wondered. He opened the envelope and found a note from Mrs. Ainge: "If you ever want me to be with another woman for you, I'd do it. It's not something I'm interested in. Once, yeah, it seemed normal, but it was just a phase, a college thing, like torn Levi's or baseball for you." Danny kicked his Homers onto the floor and sprinted for the bedroom. To be continued...

*****

Yes through all of this musing and rusing there is one thing true the Celtics appear on the verge of acquiring NBA pariah Stephon Marbury. While I feel he got something of a bum steer in New York I'm not sure I see the wisdom of signing a shoot first no defense playing point guard to a pass happy shut 'em down team. Ainge has made a couple great moves and a pile of bad ones. We'll see...

In related news, Theo Epstein has contacted the agent of Albert Belle and asked the Hall of Fame douchenozzle to come out of retirement. The Bruins have done the same with Sean Avery. The Patriots have invited the always welcome Eric Mangini back into their fold and the state of New York has extended an olive branch to Eliot Spitzer.

Come out tonight to catch what might be one of the last Starbury-less Celtics game of the year.

Theres a starman waiting in the sky
H'ed like to come and meet us
But he thinks hed blow our minds
Theres a starman waiting in the sky
He's told us not to blow it
Cause he knows its all worthwhile
-David Robert Jones .

Harpoon Premiere and Reindeer

It is supposed to snow like a bastard tomorrow. We might get up to 8 inches! So you know what that means: New York City will be shut down for 2 weeks, one day for the snow and 13 days to complain about it. The headlines will read “Armageddon” and “Global Warming?”. Meanwhile, somewhere in New England your grandmother will plow 14 inches out of her driveway without complaining just to get the new circulars.

Therefore, you should come out tonight and try the new Harpoon Leviathan Baltic Porter and maybe have a few clams to boot. We’ll be giving away holiday packs of Harpoon beer, perfect to take home to the aforementioned grandmother. It’s simple, buy an Harpoon and get a lottery ticket. And, because the first place Bruins are on Thom’s will be $4 during the game.

Need another reason to come out? How about the impeding beer tax? That’s right; the price of beer is going up in NYC if Gov. Patterson has his way. Many creative imbibers have come up with their own forms of civil disobedience. Some sharp-shoers are on their way to the Governor’s office to hurl boots at Patterson in protest. (That might not be the best idea.) While others snuck out to the East River late last night to dump beer into the harbor. At the last minute one of the leaders of the brigade known best to his followers by his nom de guerre Pez, decided that it would be best to drink the beer first then "pour" it into the river. Three protesters were cited for public urination.

The Bruins come to Newark next week to take on the Devils. Drop me a line if you're going to the game Tuesday in new Jersey.

My holiday wish list is a modest one: I hope that Celtics keep winning right through the stupid Lakers on Christmas Day. I hope the Bruins somehow hold onto this pace and remain watchable all year long. I hope the Patsies run the table and make the playoffs. And, I hope all of the ridiculous baseball rumors end and someone signs somebody.

Happy Holidays,

The Guvner.

She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,

And we'd begged her not to go.

But she'd left her medication,

So she stumbled out the door into the snow.

-Randy Brooks

CC, Pick Up That Pen And Talk to Me!

On Monday the New York Yankees asked the city for more money in tax exempt bonds and yesterday, they began to spend it. C.C. “Creamed Corn” Sabathia, last year’s half season Cy Young will be signing the largest contract for a pitcher ever when he agrees to a $161 million deal with the Yankees.

When asked if the timing was right to make such an expensive buy in this down economy Yankees G.M. Brian Cashman answered, “There’s a pitcher that’s been on my mind-all the time: C.C. Sabathia.” The Yankees' G.M.'s fascination with the the porcine pitcher led to a chance meeting this week in Las Vegas when “Creamed Corn” bumped into Cashman in the steam room at the Bellagio. C.C. didn’t recognize the G.M. right away. Said Cashman, “Now he didn’t even know my name, but I think he liked me just the same: C.C. Sabathia.” Cashman was rebuffed at first by the burly hurler, but he pressed on “Ooh give me a chance, give me a sign, I’ll show her anytime, C.C Sabathia oh oh.” Confused at first by the strangely gender-mixed offer the stout starter Sabathia focused on the ridiculous paycheck and relented. “It’s not about the money.” said C.C. “It’s about the 30 burger bag at White Castle.”

Not to be outdone by the Yankees’ celebrity splash, the Mets signed a Putz for their bullpen, again. (I can’t wait for the headlines, oy!)

But, what new for the Olde Towne Team? Feeling like their losing the headlines to their pin-striped rivals the Sox announced that they would go to a bar tonight and reveal a new logo. Wow. Take that Yankees. The Sox now have a pointier “B” and the MVP to boot. When asked why the Red Sox showed no apparent interest in pursuing the corpulent curveballer Sabathia, GM Theo Epstein said, “Oh, if he called me I’d be there, I’d come running anywhere-C.C. Sabathia.” (For real updates check out Bob Lobel's new radio show on Sawxheads.)

And, what does the man on the street think? Paul “Fitzy” Fitzgerald has spent a great deal of his life on the street (tsk tsk). On the signing he commented, “At a little more than half a million a pound that’s some expensive cheese the Yanks just bought.” Good for you, Fitzy.

Well, enough ballyhoo, what about the bar? Tonight the 20-2 Boston Celtics take on the Washington Wizards. We’ve extended our Sox beer special to the Celts and Bruins too.

Next Thursday we’ll be unveiling the newest in the line of Harpoon Leviathan beers: Baltic Porter. This beer is a heavy hitter at 9.5% and won’t last long. Come on in and have it and a few clams. We might even have a few give-aways.

The Rice countdown is on. In his 15th year on the ballot, Jim Rice seems to have his best chance to get accepted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. The results will be announced Jan 12.

Thommies in the News

Check out Thom’s regular and RSN cabinet member Rick Field talking about his pickle with Martha Stewart.

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Meet the new boss

Same as the old boss

-Brian Cashman

The Frog that Became a King

As honorary chairman of the welcoming committee, it is my
privilege to extend to you a laurel…and a hardy handshake.

-Howard Johnson

The hardware and titles just keep on coming. No, the Red Sox did not win it all this year. But, they’re giving us plenty in the off season to cheer for. Not only did Dusty win the Gold Glove, Silver Slugger, and the Lucite Lighter, on Tuesday he added to the pile an MVP trophy. What a year it was for a man I refuse to refer to as small out of fear that he will kick my ass.

Dusty is not the only one getting hardware around here. Some 4000 New York Sox fans have been named to the cabinet of His Mighty Munificence The Governor of RSNNY. And, around 8 o'clock they will gather tonight at Thom’s to mingle and share a hot stove and cold drinks and even take some stuff home with them. Not an officer yet? Don’t fret. Just tell us which title you want and His Goobernatorialness will consider it. Just be warned, the following titles are already taken: Secretary of Edjumacation, Monsignor of Faith, Archivist of Thunder Mist, Borough President of Third Base, and Guy of Strong. (Click to see all of the titles.) In honor of these noble posts Harpoon Brewery will be at Thom's promoting their Winter Warmer Ale and giving away stuff (a.k.a. beer).

As a bonus The Boundless Botolphian Governor of RSNNY has convinced the NBA to schedule the 1st place defending champion Boston Celtics against the Detroit Pistons for tonight.

Ode to Dusty
Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king

And then became one

Well except for the names and a few other changes

If you talk about me, the story's the same one
-Neil Leslie Diamond

Hot Stove, Cold Beer

"I can and shall yield to no call that does not come from the spontaneous action and free will of the nation at large and void of the slightest agency of my own . . . In no case can I permit myself to be a candidate of any part, or yield myself to any party schemes."

-Zachary Taylor

For a moment last night the bar had the fever. You know, that feeling you get watching these New England teams down late, expecting a come back. And, when it happened all erupted. Matt Cassel had trouble connecting all night, but when he did it was a big one to Randy Moss in the corner of the end zone who fought off a bear hug by Ty Law. It was Marc Wilson to Hart Lee Dykes all over again. And like those Patsies of my high school years, it was all for naught. Brett Favre and the Jets screen passed the crap out of us and took first place by a field goal. Luckily, we have a long time to prepare for our next game versus Miami (11/23).

Don’t look now, but the Bruins are becoming the talk of the town. While the Pats were kicking field goals in the first half last night the Bruins were keeping pace with a 6-1 win over the Canadiens breaking a 12 game losing streak versus the Habs.

And, don’t get me started on the Celts. Lots to watch right now. So, we’ve decided to extend the Sox $4 Thom’s special to the Celts and Bruins games. Just make sure you ask your bartender for the special.

And speaking of special…

Inaugural Ball

So you know by now that Red Sox Nation has a Governor or two. But, did you know that it also has an Ambassador to Westchester, a Minister of Propagander, and a Comptroller of Kickbacks (Indicted)? These powerful posts, ignoble men and women one and all, will be feted at Professor Thom’s next Thursday for the gala inaugural ball. What is a gala inaugural ball? It’s basically the official winter gathering to celebrate and complain about the season past and to joke about the name Nick Swisher. For the festivities a winter warmer is in order so what better than Harpoon’s offering, Winter Warmer: hot stove in a bottle.

Harpoon will be on hand giving out cases of beer and t-shirts and other stuff for free. And speaking of Harpoon, next month we’ll be pouring their Baltic Porter along with a few clams in a little night we like to call Clamapalooza. (Details to follow.)

We're having a party,

dancing to the music

played by the D.J.

on the radio
-Sam Cook

Officers of Red Sox Nation New York

This will be a bicameral system of government with the lower house made up of the New York Red Sox Meet-up Group of New York and the Senate made up of BLOHARDS.

Official posts are as seriously granted and as follows:

Lt. Guvna of Trivial Things-John Quinn
Minister of Propogander-Paul "Fitzie" Fitzgerald
Chief Consul-David Tice
Ambassador to Westchester-Bob Sullivan
Secretary of Manny Defense-Adam Liscombe
Secretary of the Treasury-Rhonda Zapatka
Consul to China-Michael Liss
Alderman of Tampa Bay Dept. of Rec-John Brooks
Secretary of War and special liason to Kelly's Roastbeef-Matt Schwalb
Councilwoman of Campaign Running-Ruth Montilla
Mayor of Binghamton-Eden Ligas
Cultural Attache' to Bellevue-Chris Campion
Secretary of Treasury-Mike Murphy
Comptroller of Kickbacks (Indicted)Joe Cosgriff
Secretary of Edjumacation-Mel
Monsignor of Faith- Eric Fredrickson
Archivist of Thunder Mist-Michael Benoit
Borough President of Third Base Melinda Richards
Guy of Strong-Dirk Gorman
Secretary of Labor-Dan "The Monster" Sullivan
Ministera di Calzini Rossi Heather Love
Undersecretary of Bullpen Excellence-Karen E. Weeks
Superattendent of Dirty Water-Rob LaRose
Consul to the British Isles (Not including Wales)-Gareth Hill
Emperor of Alcohol- Robert Young
Secretary of Lite Horton Foote
Minister of Minutemen-Matt Raycroft
The Mayor of Albany-Steve Forbes Jr.
Komandant of Yankee fan internment camps-Adam Reichman
Park Ranger-Adam Bachelder
Head of the MPAA-Steven Brandt
Ombudsman of, ahm, Bud-Steven Wright
Grand Moff-Steven Osbourn
Gregorian Knight-Pez
General Consul of Clamcakes-Kim Rossi
King of Sol-Eric Silinish
Commander of Coopers, Princeps of Pickles-Rick Field
Head Cheerleader-Steve Kaczmarczyk
Chief of Chiefs- John Hendrickson
Speaker of the Housewives-Deb Kjeldsen
More to come...

The People Have Spoken! NY RSN Posts Announced.

Friends and Fellow-Citizens:
Called upon to undertake the duties of the first executive office of our [nation], I avail myself of the presence of that portion of my fellow-citizens which is here assembled to express my grateful thanks for the favor with which they have been pleased to look toward me, to declare a sincere consciousness that the task is above my talents, and that I approach it with those anxious and awful presentiments which the greatness of the charge and the weakness of my powers so justly inspire. A rising nation, spread over a wide and fruitful land, traversing all the seas with the rich productions of their industry, engaged in commerce with nations who feel power and forget right, advancing rapidly to destinies beyond the reach of mortal eye--when I contemplate these transcendent objects, and see the honor, the happiness, and the hopes of this beloved [nation] committed to the issue, and the auspices of this day, I shrink from the contemplation, and humble myself before the magnitude of the undertaking.
-Thos. Jefferson

It is time to count the votes. What an historic week it has been. Who could imagine that this would pass: The Red Sox have their first Gold Glove second baseman since 1972 when Doug Griffin won it. Doug couldn’t be reached for comment, but his nephew Peter upon reading the news had this to say: “If by read you mean imagine the naked lady, then yes.” I never thought it would happen in my lifetime. When told of his election Pedroia said, "Shit yeah!" Congratulations Dustin Pedrioer you cocky SOB.

That’s not the only exciting election news to come out of Red Sox Nation this week. The Governor of Red Sox Nation New York Chapter has announced some of the officers for his esteemed administration. This long awaited list of superstars of the Red Sox world behind enemy lines is available here and is by no means complete. If you have a post for yourself, please let it be known and his governorship will consider it seriously.

To celebrate the new positions you find yourselves in there will be a gala ball on the 20th of November at Professor Thom’s hosted by His Worshipfulness himself and sponsored by Harpoon Brewery. Free beer! We’ll be premiering Harpoon Winter Warmer and giving away some shirts and stuff.

The Patsies play this Sunday at 1 pm against the Bills. The AFC East is up for grabs and Matt Cassell is looking better and better despite how many times I say in public that he sucks. Apparently, I was wrong.

Since the Celts and Broons have become so popular we’ve decided to extend the $4 Thom’s Ale from the Red Sox games to these games too. Make sure you order a Bruins Thom’s or a Celtics Thom’s for the special.

Thommies in The News

Congratulations to Bill “The Spaceman” Lee who will be inducted into the Red Sox Hall of Fame tonight at the Marriot Copley. This honor comes almost 40 years after he first put on a Sox uniform. Also being inducted are Mike Greenwell and Mo Vaughn.

Hail to the chief, who in triumph advances,
Honored and bless'd be the evergreen pine!
Long may the tree in his banner that glances,
Flourish, the shelter and grace of our line.
-Sir Walter Scott

The Party’s Over-Cue the Theme from Rocky

Yes, baseball is over again, this time without a World Series Trophy party at Thom’s. There was a celebration, though. Phillies phans philled Prophessor Thom’s last night phor three innings of baseball that phinished with a champagne toast. Congrats Phillies.

Their party later moved up Third Avenue and rested right under my window for the next three hours where one fan refrained, “We are the Champions”, over and over again. His friend’s repeated response was “Yes we are.” The accusation that ice cubes were hurled at them from an 8th story window is thus far unfounded.

Now, to more pressing matters: The real champions, the Boston Celtics that is, came out of the block running on Tuesday night with a 5 point win over the Cavaliers. It took the Green a couple quarters to get it together after a very emotional banner ceremony. But, in the second half they took control. Bob Cousy could not be found for a comment.

The Bruins play tonight.

Sunday night at 8 o’clock the new and improved New England Patriots take on their arch rivals the Indianapolis Colts. Somehow the Matt Cassell led Patsies are tied for first place in the East. This will be a huge test for the banged up defense. I will admit that I thought that the Pats were better off starting Sam Cassell over Matt. In an effort to aid his team Coach Belichek has arranged to have an hour added to Sunday to help his team better prepare.

*****

And finally-not to get all politicky-in a late bid to capture the great state of Massachusettes Mr. Obama has relocated his long lost Aunt to a housing project in Southie. The Obama campaign made the move some 20 years ago in an attempt to plant the seed for his 2008 bid, then someone forgot about her. The response from the McCain campaign was swift. The husband of Sarah Palin said, “Shit, I used to get hammered down Harvard Ave, in the 80’s at Bunratty’s. I might even have a couple kids there. Doesn’t that get us a few electrical votes?”

Trying hard now

it's so hard now

trying hard now

Getting strong now

won't be long now

getting strong now

Gonna fly now

flying high now

gonna fly, fly, fly...

-Ayn Robbins